Note to Self: On Being a Conscious Parent
A personal reflection on conscious parenting, modeling behaviors, and the importance of leading by example.
It finally clicked for me that being a mindful parent implies I have to model the behaviors I want my offspring to possess. Suppose I want my children to be excellent and happy. In that case, I must practice excellence and work to be a balanced and fulfilled individual. We set the tone! It’s not the other way around — children learn everything from scratch!
TLDR: Doing, not lecturing, will install habits and inclinations in our children. Maturity will, in time, activate these habits, behaviors, and tendencies, positive or negative. In other words, what we do, not what we lecture, dramatically echoes what we get from our children.
It will also be time, self-discipline, and maturity that start these model behaviors. It doesn’t matter how often we repeat a lecture. I won’t be the emotional manipulation and blackmail. Discipline is not nasty nor disrespectful. It’s probable that some of you, like me, associate discipline with punishment. And being a “good parent” with speeches and “tough love.” But that’s not tough love; your offspring fear or comply to avoid you just like we did at their age! Children are here learning everything from scratch, and it’s from us that they are taking their initial and most significant library of knowledge. The children will have these experiences in their library, but it will be up to them to load, understand and use them in their timing and way. Individuals will do their own thing! Right?! You want to do your own thing, no?!
So yeah, as parents, we can only control our behavior and habits and hope to influence by leading and making our children feel safe, cared for and nurtured, fed, protected, and understood. We do not have to comply with their every whim or agree with them because we are different people, individuals, and universes.
Some of you may tell me, “Pretty fucking obvious, no?” hah, I thought the same, but it’s not the same to know as to integrate and to look within yourself to see if you are walking the talk.
It’s hard as fuck to accept this because one has to become vulnerable and let go of the ego. It was for me, at least. That behavior I don’t like about my eldest, oh shit, that’s my behavior; I have to clean that up. Leggo my ego, dude. It is I who installed this unhealthy habit and behavior, I who has to accept this, and I, the parent, who has to break through and destroy this unhealthy habit by putting in work and doing (or not doing the harmful thing).
Will I put in the work? It’s up to you, dude (remember, I’m talking to myself); until you change, your children won’t have that positive programming, even if that’s all you TALK about. STOP TALKING. START DOING. BEING A CONSCIOUS PARENT IS ABOUT ACTING IN THE INTEREST OF YOUR CHILDREN.
Truth be told, I “knew” all of that stuff. I had read the books OK. I had heard it before a hundred times too. But it is only now that I can recognize within myself which are these healthy parent behaviors and which are unhealthy or questionable. “Now I have kids, and I can’t live my life the same way as before because not only have my responsibilities changed, but also I am influencing so much, whether I like it or not, this other human being that unwillingly was summoned into this world” And along with these ideas also comes the questions, “What are my core values, and What do I value?” But these are topics for other brain meltdowns.
So, in conclusion, why is it so natural for me to wake up early and cook for the family? Ah, because that’s what my mom did for me, making me feel loved. That’s what I have known most of my life as a child. Why is it so fun for me to work? Ah, because my dad was nuts about work, I got that work ethic from him — he enjoys trying to perfect whatever skill or craft he’s doing. So why am I (was) such a sourpuss? Ah, that’s probably my dad’s influence too.
Food for thought.
This post was originally published on Medium.